


If Your Heart is Full of Love (Could you give it up?)

by teattoo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, really bad, sorry if its really sad or, this is my first one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 09:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1852837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teattoo/pseuds/teattoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People often asked why he let Harry live with him, after all he was ill. You didn’t know what he was able to do when he had one of his episodes. Louis simply answered that he loved the boy. That he was his best friend, and that ill or not, he was the most wonderful person he knew. </p><p>or Harry is depressed and Louis' best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Your Heart is Full of Love (Could you give it up?)

**Author's Note:**

> So guys, hope you like this attempt of sad fic. 
> 
> This is my first work on the internet yei!
> 
> Special thanks to Fee (singlezouis) for the beta.
> 
> And to my baes: 
> 
> Alex for being the best guy in the whole world and being there since the first word. 
> 
> Nadia for reading my shit since i started writing it on my notebooks.
> 
> Thanks for being my best friends.
> 
> Marlene, Luz, Mafer, Tamara and Regina for being my first readers! Thanks for helping me with the problems i had with this. 
> 
> And this goes to Lina, the best friend that i ever had. Even if we don't talk as much anymore, i still love you a lot babe! And you can't get rid of me, you have to take me to leeds! 
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated.
> 
> Tumblr: onesos
> 
>  
> 
> hope you like this guys!
> 
> (title and story inspired - Not About Angels by birdy)

Harry had had another episode that night. The first time in about four months and the worse since Louis met him. 

Louis kind of expected it to be honest. It was the third night that Harry cried like that - he was told by Harry himself after he found him- but the first one that Louis was there for. It had been so different, he should have known.

Louis watched him from the wall, with fresh impotent tears willing to be released and dry ones on his pale cheeks. That room was making him sick. So small, and empty and… sad. He couldn’t stand watching Harry in that state. Connected to those tubes, that were connected to the machines that were connected to the walls, making him seem like another inanimate object from that stupid hospital. 

He should have known. 

**

He heard the sobs even before entering to the room. His heart started to race, it was different every time, and seriously he didn’t know what to expect. 

He only had been gone for about an hour, he went to his mom’s house, he had been gone for so little and now his friend was a complete mess. 

People often asked why he let Harry live with him, after all he was ill. You didn’t know what he was able to do when he had one of his episodes. Louis simply answered that he loved the boy. That he was his best friend, and that ill or not, he was the most wonderful person he knew. 

All of it was true, sure, but even if sometimes all of it went wrong, he couldn’t help but notice he was falling slowly (but hard) for Harry. 

Sometimes he could see a little spark on Harry’s eyes, something that gave him some hope that maybe he wasn’t a stupid sod for loving his best friend, but it would go away as fast as it came, leaving Louis with all his doubts again. 

The thing was that he knew the real Harry, his fears, his favourite things and his passion for writing. 

If you got to know him like Louis, you wouldn’t be able to stop it. 

But Louis wasn’t brave enough to tell him, it wouldn’t be fair to Harry. 

He sat down next to him on the cool floor and touched Harry’s back softly with his hand, making him jump and yelp quietly. 

“Haz” he mumbled near his ear. “It’s me, love.” 

Harry didn’t move, instead sinking a little bit more on the floor. 

“You are okay.” Louis spoke again. “Talk to me, Harry.” 

Harry shook his head making his curls bounce under the dim night light that entered the room. 

Louis brows furrowed when the sobs continued, and he felt Harry shaking furiously. 

“Did you take your pills babe?” Louis questioned lightly. 

Harry raised his head a little and looked to his side, the side-facing Louis. He shook his head again.

Louis looked at him sadly and lifted Harry from the ground sitting him on his lap. Harry curled against him and hid his face on Louis’ neck, almost instantly. Louis’ heart speed increased considerably and he wondered if Harry could feel it, or even hear it. 

He felt his shirt began to soak on his skin with Harry’s tears. They stayed in silence for a long time, Louis almost forgot he made a question before Harry spoke. 

“I didn’t,” he whispered so quietly Louis barely heard him. He was about to ask what the hell was he talking about, when Harry added. “The pills, I mean.”

Louis sighed, that explained why Harry was like that, the pills at least reduced the pain and was easier to make Harry breathe.

“Babe, you know you have to-” Harry sent him this look making Louis stop.

“I don’t want to take those things anymore.” He said brokenly.

Louis moved his hand up and down Harry’s back.

“They don’t let me think.” His voice was hoarse, he wasn’t crying anymore but you could hear the small hiccups in his voice.

“I can’t feel either.” Louis felt his insides clench. “I’m just a bad joke in this stupid life.” Harry played with the nib of Louis’ shirt. “I want to live, Louis.”

Louis didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say a thing. 

They stayed quiet again, Louis feeling Harry’s hot little breaths against his neck.

The next time Harry spoke, it kind of changed Louis’ life. 

“Have you ever wanted to die, and you start analyzing it on your head and you are so into the idea that everything would be better if you weren’t here?”

Louis’ eyes burned with tears as he hugged the younger boy closer to him, being afraid that he would vanish into the air.

“But then… you start thinking on the only good thing in your life. In the only person that makes you want to fight at least another day, so you can see them again.”

Harry raised his head form Louis’ chest and looked directly at him. Blue sad oceans, meeting green broken emeralds. 

“When I was little, I used to think that everything was big and bright and just so perfect, I saw things that made people happy, such as toys, hugs, kisses or old, yellow, loved books. But as I grew up, I realized nothing of that mattered really, if you can’t even be part of a happy family, everything else goes to hell. And then, my life just suddenly went black and blurry. And the only thing I wanted with all my heart was to find at least a little, bright, perfect thing. And I lost count of the time, until… the day we met.”

Louis was crying at this point. And the face he made at the last statement would have been funny if the situation wasn’t so serious.

“What?”

Harry’s cheeks turned a cute red color and he opened his mouth like a fish, he didn’t know how to say it.

“You are my big, bright, perfect thing.”

“Oh, Harry.” Louis breathed.

And maybe just then Harry noticed how big was the thing he was saying so he was fast to add.

“I mean-I had to-I really didn’t mean to-“

Louis kissed him then, hard but still, maybe to try to shut Harry up, or maybe his own thoughts, screaming that that couldn’t be real. 

He kissed him with love and the fear of all the times Harry seemed to be about to give up in front of him, but he didn’t and Louis was so grateful for that.

He bent Harry down, pressing firm against him. They were on the floor and it was hard but they didn’t really care, it was them and them alone.

They kissed with such emotion that it was hard to even breathe. 

“I-I” Harry said under him, bright, puffy, red eyes looking at him. “I want to feel.”

Louis’ heart was pounding painfully against his ribcage filling his body with tons ans tons of love and affection.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

He could swear that in that kiss was his whole life. 

***

Louis had loved Harry since the day they met.

Maybe it was since that night at university when Zayn introduced him to Niall and they got so pissed Louis still wonders how he remembered. He remembered entering Niall’s dorm, singing drunkenly some Taylor Swift’s tune (he wished he had forgotten that part) and stopping abruptly when he saw a tall, lanky, awkward boy sprawled on a couch too small for him. He was frowning at them form beneath his notebook, ink stained on his fingers and big green eyes reddened with sleepiness. 

Or the day when he had to finish a paper so he let Niall and Zayn go party without him to Niall’s dorm, gaining later a tired Harry, with arms full of books, notebooks and pens. They talked for the first time that night, and if you had been there watching, you could have swear you were watching two people fall in love right before your eyes. 

He had known Harry for 5 years, 11 months and 30 days the day they first kissed. 

Maybe the thought of it all was too much that he didn’t see the signs. But in fact, nobody did. Not even Anne, when Harry called him that day which was a Thursday, instead of a Sunday, like every single week. Louis neither, when in the middle of the night, with body and mind full of sleepiness, he could swear he heard Harry crying again. 

***  
Louis found Harry the next day. After waking up naked, smiley and bight and the only thing he wanted to do was to kiss Harry again and tell him he loved him once again, like he hadn’t said it enough the night before.

He found Harry lying unconsciously on the cold white tiles of the bathroom floor.

His skin was pale and cold like the snow on one of the nights Harry ended on the hospital. Louis couldn’t see any green spark. The space between his bones where that color had claimed it’s place, slowly began to fade. He cried and kneeled beside his pretty boy and kissed his face, pleading that maybe, just maybe he could pass a little bit of life to Harry. 

***  
So he was here, with all the crying and exhaustion finally giving in and sending him to the floor, sobbing and covering his ears as that infernal device alerted the doctors about Harry’s state.

He was surrounded by medics, nurses and Louis felt so tiny in that room.

Then every effort stopped. 

Harry died of an overdose exactly 6 years after Louis met him. 

And one day, after they first kissed.


End file.
